Beyond Listening: What Families with Complex Needs Actually Need from a Parent Coach

TLDR: Here's the simplest way I can explain what we do:

When a family is struggling, really struggling, and the parenting advice and support they've been given doesn't work for their situation, we come alongside them. We figure out what's actually going on. We build a plan that fits their real life. And we stay with them until things get better. That's it. That's the work.

If you’re willing to come with me on a little journey, I’ll fill you in more. Old school blog style.

Mama S here (IYKYK),

A conversation I had earlier this week has been rumbling in my noggin all week, so I thought it must warrant a blog.

I was chatting with one of my favorite people about a client situation (generalities, no HIPAA violations here!) as it relates to the types of families our team support. We were talking about how it hasn't ever surprised me to walk into a home and have to call crisis or the police due to a high level escalation. 

How we don't even bat an eye when people disclose actions that have happened in their family that they have told other professionals and have been told they are "out of scope" or their family needs are "more than I'm skilled to help" is a wonder to most people. 

As a parent coach who works with high-conflict families, I can confidently say I don’t scare easily!

The part that stood out and has been rumbling around was the fact that they said that they used to scoff at how much we charge for our services, but that they wouldn't be able to work with the same clients our team does even for the rate we charge. 

It had me thinking... 

• Our team knows the work we do. 
• Our clients know the work we do. 
• I have done a terrible job of helping people know and understand what makes us different than other people who identify as parent coaches/parent supports.

To be fully and completely honest, I have known for 7+ years (yes, we celebrated our 7th “officially registered LLC” anniversary a few days ago!!!) that I was not singing our praises in a way that I could.

In New Zealand, they call it Tall Poppy Syndrome. In Salisott terms, I call it just doing what I can to help families who need it most without needing to fuss about the particulars.

Alas, it was wrong of me. The primary reason it was wrong to keep quiet is because it has meant that people who would benefit from working with us couldn't possibly know we could help.

So, today I put on my grownup pants and start telling you a bit about what makes us different. 

Before I ramble about what makes Salisott PCC different than other parent coaching services around, I want to talk about what people think of when they talk about parent coaching and a few of the complaints I hear and see posted online.

The first one, and it’s a doozy, is the fact that parent coaching isn’t regulated. Anyone, and I mean ANYONE can call themselves a parent coach. There are pros and cons to this, as with everything. The pros is that it eliminates the barriers to entry to be able to support families. Some of the most highly skilled people I know do not have education past high school. I’m not an elitist to think that a degree equals capability. In fact, on the flip side, some of the least qualified people I know have a lot of degrees. They are brilliant, and also lack the ability to translate that knowledge in a way to help struggling people make change.

The cons align with the reality that many industries face. People who can do something themselves, can’t always help other people do the same thing. I’m looking at you corporate and your persistent promoting people to incompetence!

Alas, I digress. Here are the biggest complaints I hear about parent coaching (in no particular order):

• The parent coach is really, really nice, but nothing ever changes.
  • Many people confuse parent coaching with peer support.
  • Peer support is fantastic and is a much needed model. Peer supports provide the incredible service of coming alongside a person and helping them feel less alone. Most people could benefit from peer support.
  • When peer support is mislabeled as parent coaching, it dilutes both fields. People who refer to parent coaching get frustrated because change isn’t happening and peer support feel like they are held to a standard that they are not trained to.
  • This is the difference between a parent coach vs. parent support.
• The parent coach took me through a program or list of strategies that I had already tried and told me I just had to do them. I walked away feeling like a failure.
  • This approach is fine for a great many people, as those strategies are widely shared due to their effectiveness. And, there is a large population who do not fit the mold. Looking at you parents of neurodivergent children, special needs families, complex families, and high-conflict families!
• The parent coaching felt like “checking a box” rather than trying to figure out what worked for me.
  • This is most commonly heard from families involved in the child protection services (CPS) system, foster care reunification parents, as well as other county and court ordered parent coaching.
  • A sad truth with this, the times I was offered to contract with large CPS agencies, they offered me $20.00 an hour with no payment for cancelation or drive time. This is also common in large agencies who offer parent coaching to families in county run programs. If I were to hire someone to do that work I could barely pay them minimum wage and cover insurance. I said no. Other companies say yes. People who have to take a job at that wage often do not have the skills or training needed to be effective. Thus the horror show of trying to get out of the CPS system or trying to build parenting skills when you’re just trying to survive. *jumps off soapbox before this post becomes 20,000 words*

This blog has got so long talking about what people think of with parent coaching I am fearful I’ve lost you.

If you’re still reading, please comment below something random. Let’s make the future readers wonder what in the world is going on.

Now that we’ve had a bit of silly, back to the topic at hand. I could wax poetically about the incredible certification I got to become a parent coach (took a year!), or about the thousands of hours of training I have taken since on topics like trauma informed care, attachment, de-escalation, parenting coordination, etc. but it would be boring and I would be embarrassed. I’ll sum it to say, you are welcome to ask for my CV and I’ll send you an updated one.

What really matters is understanding the who, the how, and the why of the parent support I do.

Who

When I started out, I thought I was going to work with foster parents. Until I realized that they wanted nothing to do with a parent coach. No shame in that game. I told a dear friend that my passion was around helping kids reunify, so she helped me contract with a county to do that. I worked with parents who were a snails hair away from a TPR (termination of parental rights) due to the length of their children being out of home with not enough progress as well as due to substance misuse and mental health. A point of great pride is that the majority of those children were able to go home and have been able to stay in home.

Fast forward to today, and now I work with parents who are stuck in high conflict cycles and are told they are “too complex” by other professionals. I find that these families are often incredibly motivated to break the cycle and are also stuck due to a multitude of factors. Often including any number of the following: mental health, substance misuse, parent/child conflicts impacting the marriage, personality disorders and/or traits, in home violence, and court involvement.

How

The single most asked question I get when telling someone about the work I do is, “how do you do it every day?”

The answer to that is deceptively simple. I treat people with the respect they feel they deserve and that I believe every person deserves while holding boundaries and showing them that it is possible to be in relationship with another person and feel safe.

It sounds so simple as I type it up, and yet in practice it is more than a lot of the trained professionals I am friends and colleagues with are able to do. Not because there is something wrong with the professionals, but because we as people are socialized to judge other people’s actions and to assign moral value to behavior. Even when people are trained to hold space and to meet people “where they are”, in reality that is really hard to do.

In order to make sure I do it well, I follow the same procedure with every referral I get. I put that referral through the ringer to see if I can find someone/some profession who would be able to help them better or cheaper. Not because I don’t want to help, but because I want to make sure that people get the best help for them at the most reasonable rate.

If we work together, every session follows a format:

1. Immediate need: what they come into the session talking about. I always let people talk about whatever they need in the transition. People deserve to be heard for what they want to say and that is a part of being a trauma informed parent coach.
2. Presenting challenges: we briefly talk about the challenges that happened over the week. This is brief, and we address it quickly. This is a HUGE difference. I don’t help people solve specific problems in their home. I help them evaluate those problems and come up with a solution themselves. We do that through education (heavily evidence focused and yet also custom fit while taking into account the newest reserach) and more than a little detective work.
3. Then, we check in on progress toward their goals. Every session. Sometimes together, sometimes I gather the progress based on our conversations. Either way, every session is working toward graduation.
4. Every session ends with reflecting on the positives for the past week. A little bit neuroscience, a little bit of helping transition back into regular life!

Oh, and I also coordinate the other professionals the family works with. Progress doesn’t happen in a silo for the families I support.

This is also why I’ve spent the years surrounding myself with an incredible team. We are interdisciplinary and we learn from each other every day. More about them in their own posts. They deserve the chance to shine! You’ll get to hear about our parent coaching for autism families, bilingual parent coaching Spanish, and parent coaching for parents of complex medical needs including type one diabetes! Keep an eye out.

Functionally, I do parent coaching that actually works for complex family needs, for special needs families, and for neurodivergent children and their families all through a trauma- informed parent coaching lens.

Why

Are you still with me? I hope so. If so, email me at Sarah@Salisottpcc.com and let me know you made it this far and what you wish I had changed about this blog post. Give it to me straight, I can take it! (I think).

The why is simple. The children I had the privilege to parent for any amount of time who were born to parents that I did not know deserved their parents getting support like this. They needed it. They wished for it. It wasn’t possible. I can’t go back and change things for the kids I have grown to love or their families, but I can help other kids and their grownups work toward a different future. That’s what gets me out of bed and that’s what guides me to continue learning and building my skills.

OOFTA, this is almost 2000 words. I wonder if I can use this in a paper for my current education? Probably not. But on that point, I’ll let you know some of the other things I do outside working with parents one on one:

• I lift children and families’ voices to the governor’s office, legislature, DHS, and DMS in Wisconsin through the Wisconsin Council of Mental Health and through leading the Children and Youth Committee.
  • I beg of you to email me statements, stories, and things you wish would change in the world of children’s mental health to Sarah@Salisottpcc.com. Not only will I read the statements aloud (with your permission) in a council meeting, but I will also incorporate them into our advisory work to make sure that the people making decisions hear your thoughts and how those policies impact you and your family.
• I am spearheading the process of bringing parenting coordination to New Zealand with a glorious co-founder because people in New Zealand need support for high conflict divorce and it currently isn’t available.
• I partner with multiple organizations across the globe to advance research and understanding of children’s mental health and the impact of high conflict divorce on children. Sometimes through speaking at conferences, sometimes through behind the scenes work. Always pushing for the child’s voice to be centered.
• I am getting my masters in Strategic Communication with a focus on Governmental Communication so that I can deepen my advocacy and advisory work to bring about change for children and families.

If you made it this far, you’re probably my parents or in-laws. If you are someone who isn’t connected by family, please comment below and let me know you made it to the end. I’m totally curious. While you are at it, please send this to whoever in your life would benefit from knowing the differences in people who call themselves parent coaches.

If you're even a little curious about parent coaching for yourself, you can book a free 15 minute chat no pressure, no commitment, just a conversation

Hugs and love!

Mama S

AKA Sarah Salisott